Old stuff

i would choose to
consume your pain
though i know it little
i would choose too
love you completely
but in my logical
questionable wisdom
i choose not to tell you
21-9-98


you have defeated me
with passion
laid waste to my body
and my sole
but you will never know
falling weak
i curse myself and deny
you victory
love, rage is all mine
19-9-98

Note: Old material that I recently found, post-Toronto phase for those that know me, which still has some meaning today

©Cynthia Ryder

legacy

you touched and marked me
the scar is hidden in my soul
a deep and precious wound

the scar is about self and power
direction determination
our passion dreams and desire

the legacies of others in your life
the demons in your soul
marked you and formed you

those scars defined your goal
gave focus, sight and clarity
defined self-preservation

you show strength and courage
safe in your remembered shadow
i will use your legacy now

and make my own way
find the edges of my life
and dance with past demons

11 October 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
--

once upon a time

i would have been happy
making his bed
i would have picked up his socks
and ironed his shirts
and quietly performed
the domestic duties
of removing dirt and smudges
from the surfaces
and corners of his life
softening the sheets
where he laid his head
while softening the lines
of his face and warming
in his embrace and smile
i've been caught again
in a fairy tale
but the questions remain
would i have been happy
making his bed...

6 October 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
--

worth

i now know my worth to you
that you would not call
even though you were near here

i question my worth to you
taunting me in words
and images of your life

i have no worth to you now
our time of value
to each other is long gone

now i work diligently
to convince myself
that this is the truth this time

29 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

note: originally titled "mad as hell" it has evolved since the first haiku style stanza was written a couple of weeks ago and the feeling has turned to questioning and then to a stance of self-preservation.

casual casualty

our pasts lie behind us
shattered bloodied ruins of souls
damage measured in quantities
of despair and success

i had never considered that
you were the injured one
never had it been you
that was not worthy of me

my present is quilted tatters
gathered from the wreckage
my hard won contentment
slips as summer to winter

facing an empty open pit future
would you pray that debris
from my busied life fills it
so i don't fall to its bottom

17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

note: this was much longer originally with a lot of sappy bits. tightened it up some for use. more or less ok with the outcome.

solace

preface: at 2:20AM the muse crashed the door. in a stubborn refusal to act, i watched the thoughts drift past, made a to do list for today and finally at 3:23 i gave in to him again.

sharing brings some solace
knowing that sun beams on your face
are from the sun that shines on me
the moon that lights the sky
glows tonight for you and i
the same glittering stars in heaven
are seen from different places
but if we both look north
the guiding star is there
to show us the same path

we didn't look heavenward years ago
missing signs that lit our ways
that could have guided us together

22 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
--

official status

do you lie awake at night
seeing the parade square
crisp in your hindsight
visions and memories
marching through your head
relentlessly pounding
in sequence by month and year
glaring their misdeeds at you
with every march past
evaluating reviewing
night after night

muse reporting for duty

17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

this is one that feels like it should read on a single breath with no pauses but staccato in rhythm