worth

i now know my worth to you
that you would not call
even though you were near here

i question my worth to you
taunting me in words
and images of your life

i have no worth to you now
our time of value
to each other is long gone

now i work diligently
to convince myself
that this is the truth this time

29 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

note: originally titled "mad as hell" it has evolved since the first haiku style stanza was written a couple of weeks ago and the feeling has turned to questioning and then to a stance of self-preservation.

casual casualty

our pasts lie behind us
shattered bloodied ruins of souls
damage measured in quantities
of despair and success

i had never considered that
you were the injured one
never had it been you
that was not worthy of me

my present is quilted tatters
gathered from the wreckage
my hard won contentment
slips as summer to winter

facing an empty open pit future
would you pray that debris
from my busied life fills it
so i don't fall to its bottom

17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

note: this was much longer originally with a lot of sappy bits. tightened it up some for use. more or less ok with the outcome.

solace

preface: at 2:20AM the muse crashed the door. in a stubborn refusal to act, i watched the thoughts drift past, made a to do list for today and finally at 3:23 i gave in to him again.

sharing brings some solace
knowing that sun beams on your face
are from the sun that shines on me
the moon that lights the sky
glows tonight for you and i
the same glittering stars in heaven
are seen from different places
but if we both look north
the guiding star is there
to show us the same path

we didn't look heavenward years ago
missing signs that lit our ways
that could have guided us together

22 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
--

official status

do you lie awake at night
seeing the parade square
crisp in your hindsight
visions and memories
marching through your head
relentlessly pounding
in sequence by month and year
glaring their misdeeds at you
with every march past
evaluating reviewing
night after night

muse reporting for duty

17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

this is one that feels like it should read on a single breath with no pauses but staccato in rhythm

irony in Toronto

my rebound man wasn't you
it was because of you
accepting the invite
showing up
showed a good time
made your excuses again
ran
to rescue your brother
damn
he is one lucky man

17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

Halifax

salt water humid night
moths dance in street light
crossing Spring Garden
walking the Citadel
safe in your shadow
connected by the emotional
physical bond of the reason
for being with you
now in movement
in public untouching
untouchable with every step
growing the distance between us
delivered to my destination
excuses and farewells
i stand at my window
overlooking the city
watch you disappear
into the salt water humid night
striding out of sight

17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

14 September

your visits are inconvenient
waking me with kisses at 2a.m.
then promptly leaving me again
to wonder if it was
as i remember
that sweetly tender
or if the brain
creates mere scenes
leaving me to wonder
if it was that good at all

© Cynthia Ryder