dog in the manger

for nearly 10 years I tried
to make you happy and
rallied behind you in support

for nearly 10 years I tried
to keep you happy by
ignoring your subtle abuses
and a multitude of excuses

for nearly 10 years I tried
to change you, forgetting
this one important fact
we can only change ourselves

after nearly 10 years I leapt
at making the changes,
a chance for happiness

you couldn't abide that leap
if I wasn't going to be with you
suffering alongside you
then you would ensure
that I would find myself alone

you started to work,
ironically at last,
to destroy those
that would stand with me
you started a campaign
of noise and blame
cutting remarks heaped guilt
on the newly chosen old love

now nearly 10 years later,
I know what you wrought
and what you have brought
upon your own dismal life

if you thought you suffered
at my hands those years ago
you must feel that those
were joyous times compared
to what you now endure

I am happy for you now
that you made your own way

and like a dog hoarding hay
eventually you starved
your lack of resourcefulness
and your petty jealousies
held you back as we succeeded
simply by waiting you out
by waiting learned the truth
now I know what you said
and I suffer you gladly no more

6 January 2009
Cynthia Ryder
--

Note: time is a healer of many wounds, and this one in particular, now that I know what caused the festering mess, is quickly getting better.
--

now

the webs that hold us together
indicative of life's fragility
and before the next storm
where they may be torn
you need to know
my love is unconditional
you who have been in my arms
are held in my heart and mind
the fearful angry untrusting you
does not scare me anymore
i have seen it all in you before
these are your feelings
i accept them as yours
as i accept your choice
to hide all weakness behind
your unflinching exterior
i now reject my own fear
of your rejection so i tell you
you are not a mere curiosity
an object of interest a toy
you have value and because
you need to know now
not in five years from now
and not after that or
after the next but
now...
the storm is coming
threatening the webs
that hold us together

30 October, edited 26 November 2008
Cynthia Ryder