worth

i now know my worth to you
that you would not call
even though you were near here

i question my worth to you
taunting me in words
and images of your life

i have no worth to you now
our time of value
to each other is long gone

now i work diligently
to convince myself
that this is the truth this time

29 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

note: originally titled "mad as hell" it has evolved since the first haiku style stanza was written a couple of weeks ago and the feeling has turned to questioning and then to a stance of self-preservation.

casual casualty

our pasts lie behind us
shattered bloodied ruins of souls
damage measured in quantities
of despair and success

i had never considered that
you were the injured one
never had it been you
that was not worthy of me

my present is quilted tatters
gathered from the wreckage
my hard won contentment
slips as summer to winter

facing an empty open pit future
would you pray that debris
from my busied life fills it
so i don't fall to its bottom

17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

note: this was much longer originally with a lot of sappy bits. tightened it up some for use. more or less ok with the outcome.

solace

preface: at 2:20AM the muse crashed the door. in a stubborn refusal to act, i watched the thoughts drift past, made a to do list for today and finally at 3:23 i gave in to him again.

sharing brings some solace
knowing that sun beams on your face
are from the sun that shines on me
the moon that lights the sky
glows tonight for you and i
the same glittering stars in heaven
are seen from different places
but if we both look north
the guiding star is there
to show us the same path

we didn't look heavenward years ago
missing signs that lit our ways
that could have guided us together

22 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
--

official status

do you lie awake at night
seeing the parade square
crisp in your hindsight
visions and memories
marching through your head
relentlessly pounding
in sequence by month and year
glaring their misdeeds at you
with every march past
evaluating reviewing
night after night

muse reporting for duty

17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

this is one that feels like it should read on a single breath with no pauses but staccato in rhythm

irony in Toronto

my rebound man wasn't you
it was because of you
accepting the invite
showing up
showed a good time
made your excuses again
ran
to rescue your brother
damn
he is one lucky man

17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

Halifax

salt water humid night
moths dance in street light
crossing Spring Garden
walking the Citadel
safe in your shadow
connected by the emotional
physical bond of the reason
for being with you
now in movement
in public untouching
untouchable with every step
growing the distance between us
delivered to my destination
excuses and farewells
i stand at my window
overlooking the city
watch you disappear
into the salt water humid night
striding out of sight

17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

14 September

your visits are inconvenient
waking me with kisses at 2a.m.
then promptly leaving me again
to wonder if it was
as i remember
that sweetly tender
or if the brain
creates mere scenes
leaving me to wonder
if it was that good at all

© Cynthia Ryder

Time

you are not my greatest loss
time with you is
you are not my greatest regret
time without you is

the old photographs in my desk
are no longer about you
beguiling my camera
the old photographs are risks
not taken chances at a life
that is not mine now
you are smiling
in the old photographs

distance in years
miles and experiences
separates and clarifies
time tells on us
time notes our fears
time sees our truths

in one moment with
one turn of the page
I have to face the losses
my own failure to move
time becomes the regret
move on and forget

10 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

the silver-screen kiss

the star removed his nerdy glasses
coolly tossed them to the table
stepped to the leading lady
hand firmly in place
at the back of her neck
he searched for the clues
the message to proceed

swallowed met his gaze
leaned toward him
palm open on his chest

paused
all motion stopped
then
hitting play
he moved in
slow motion

touched her lips
prying deepening
allowed accessed kissed

flutters in her stomach
tickled
as his moustache on her skin

scene ends
never remade
real moment lost
available only in reruns

8 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

Homecoming

i have waited for you return
knowing nothing of your plans
worried i soothed myself
with imaginings and photographs

today the wanted word arrived
you are home, safe and sane
breathlessly i am thankful
that you will never know
my concerns for you
may be what keeps you free
following the beacons and calls

i'll be ready for the word again
of your next inevitable flight

- 5 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

the a-ha moment

repeat the question please

my puzzled look says much

about the question

i do not understand

rifling pages, scanning text

the answers must be here

in panic, furrowed

'absolutely' smuggly said

'but not there, in here'

tapping the temple

but... the book

'but nothing

books are guides

repeat the question please'

--

3 September 2008

© Cynthia Ryder 2008