Reject Me...

and throw this love away
as you again reject yourself
your god of autophobia rises
with insecurities you cannot fight
and fears you cannot control
your shame and regret merge
drawing you down in your mind
your presumptive arrogance
the you will be unwanted rages
expelling all other options and
leaves you voluntarily distanced
from those that chose to love you


© 30 July 2009
Cynthia Ryder
--

the reminder to hope less

the news is swift in this age
and hope is disappointing
it is a pointless consideration
as hope is always waiting
passively for nothing to come

it is me wanting to see
it is my disappointment
in hope, in you, in me
in selfishness we stand
without considerations
making decisions
for the self not ourselves

© 28 July 2009
Cynthia Ryder
--

Fear

Fear is the giant squid of the ocean
grabbing sailors from the deck
it is the grasping poison tentacles
wrapping and pulling you overboard
drowning you in the depths of your thoughts
Fear is a gaping void of nothing
but your own cries of despair
Fear is plague in the soul
wiping your actions from the earth
immobilizing you in its fast hold
continually pulling you deeper
more swiftly dropping you downwards
than free fall without your parachute
Fear is the feeling that the ground
will not catch you giving way
beneath your weight swallowing up
every vestige of your humanity
Fear is surrounding, more vicious
than a swarm of kids in a playground
choosing players for their teams
Fear is knowing you will be alone
the last one standing as you fight
to swim in your own streaming fears
and believing that you are going down
sinking with fear makes you afraid to move

© 22 July 2009
Cynthia Ryder
--

ghosts

catching fleeting ghosts of those nights
bare memories of that place years ago
bared, in bed, in body, in delights
watching your words appear on screen
typed and starting with a slow hello
we slink back to our secret scene
sinking into the thoughts of then
wording wishes and maybe when
if we could meet again in that place
blow soap bubbles on your naked form
strip the netted stockings and trace
paths with our fingers that we followed
what escape we plot in our minds
but that time is gone we are changed
nothing more than words are exchanged
the service of flirtation just reminds
and I remember you with fondness
and you remember all my boldness
capture what you can of ghosts
and once again hold me close

© 21 July 2009
Cynthia Ryder
--

I know

I know that you are out there
watching the words that are me
I know that you follow them
line by line with your finger
I know that you are running
away from your own thoughts
I know that you are coming
closer to me by the day
I wonder how close you will get
before you trace a line out of here

© 21July 2009
Cynthia Ryder
--

Mirror

if you were a mirror
you would be tossed to the ground
crushed under My heels
breaking the smooth surface
shattering your perfection
but you are just a man
fallible and flawed
hardly reflecting on Me
so I would throw you down
first slapping your face
demanding your worship
glass is for admiration
to see it in your eyes
reflected back to Me
for My treatment of you

© 15 July 2009
Cynthia Ryder
--

Surgeon

It is only a single word:
surgeon,
that creates all this fear
see one,
you have been told this time:
it 's time
the monster is big enough
it rips at your spine
claws at the nerves
tears away disks
bares teeth and nails
locking its jaws
like facet joints
together
grinding
gnawing
more tests
more talk
answers?

© 14 July 2009
Cynthia Ryder
--

i wanted

i wanted to write to you tonight
pour the words onto paper
form phrases from the despair
and the happiness i feel
tell you about the love and lies
let you know of the desire
and the fear i have of you
the moments of revulsion
and those of joy in your arms
but mostly i wanted you to know
that you are loved but you are gone

© 12 July 2009
Cynthia Ryder
--

if only i could see what you see
to be where you have been
but you tell me i should not
the sights sour and sadden
the days dark and dusty
the nights are cold alone
in a wasteland of decay

there is no place for me
cleared from your mind there
i am not remembered
until i ask you to let me in
begging
breaking
beating
at the door you once held open
for me
freely
firmly

© 11 July 2009
Cynthia Ryder

boys on bikes blast past
sounds of the pipes linger
with loud pounding echoes
leaving dust exhaust drama
in dark wakes of leather
denim and sunglasses


© 8 July 2009
Cynthia Ryder

do i miss the idea of you
more than the physical you
the questions and thoughts
the place and the quiet
the essence of you
where in my mind
i can be with you
touching you
in ways that are not real
never physically were

--
9 June 2009
Cynthia Ryder

tonight
waiting in my place
curled in a corner of space
allowing my self to feel
the empty surround of void
a powerless vacuum
that tells me where i am
that says it is the fate
for all that sit and wait

i refuse to go gently
into the quiet night
i refuse silently
shaking my head
to search for your soul
tonight

© 6 July 2009
Cynthia Ryder
--