Monday, December 29, 2008

that last night together,
in the seat of power over millions,
i swore and then vowed
that this would be the last
time that i would watch
from a window,
watch you leave,
drive away into your world
without me knowing
when or even if.
in that moment at the window
seeing you slowly turning
to the right onto
the late night street
of the capitol,
a spark of an idea,
all that remains is your decision

© 29 December 2008
Cynthia Ryder

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


the webs that hold us together
indicative of life's fragility
and before the next storm
where they may be torn
you need to know
my love is unconditional
you who have been in my arms
are held in my heart and mind
the fearful angry untrusting you
does not scare me anymore
i have seen it all in you before
these are your feelings
i accept them as yours
as i accept your choice
to hide all weakness behind
your unflinching exterior
i now reject my own fear
of your rejection so i tell you
you are not a mere curiosity
an object of interest a toy
you have value and because
you need to know now
not in five years from now
and not after that or
after the next but
the storm is coming
threatening the webs
that hold us together

30 October, edited 26 November 2008
Cynthia Ryder

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

morning headlines of death
rock me 12 time zones away
lines that read easy last month
when i did not place you
amid the violence
in packed markets and offices
within a breath of an armed car
now knowing, now feeling
reawakened and wanting
these headlines haunt
and will quietly rip at my mind
until I know that you are safe

© 12 November 2008
Cynthia Ryder

Monday, November 10, 2008

i can hear you breathe
if i close my eye tight
i can hear you call my name
with my eyes closed
against the outside light
i can find you here
i can know you again
with my eyes closed
the monsters under the bed
demons in the closet
ghosts in the night
are gone with the light
to capture the moment
close your eyes tight

©10 November 2008
Cynthia Ryder

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

neither the first nor the last
that I will feel this way
I am heartsick and mourning
loss that never really was
I am mourning words said
and unsaid and yet
another set of regrets
I am keeping this secret
hiding the hurt
craddle it in my heart
and bury it beneath
the detritus of life

edited 5 November 2008

© Cynthia Ryder


Wagon & Wild Horse

Tonight I tried to explain what I thought I heard you say last week, without saying love.
You are still the wild horse, driven by the wind and weather. You will always run as the lead and you will always break from the pack.
You still dance on the edge in places I cannot go and do not understand.
I have a wagon of hopes and dreams and memories of us, that you would have me empty. But you have promised me no provisions to refill it except my own resourcefulness and my own sufficiency to pull it.
There are no guarantees, no sure thing. The di have been tossed. Their spin will take good time to stop.
The words you say to others, you won't say to me to give me hope. You turn my words back on me and sharpened with time, they cut deeply.
I do remember, and I will mourn you because you are a beautiful creature that has dressed the landscape in motion and colour.
All things that are released free to the wild may come back to us. You are released and I will return to my work of tilling the soil and planting seed for future use.

29 October 2008

Note: half and half, seems to work here as well as in coffee
© Cynthia Ryder

Monday, October 27, 2008

Halifax 2

I remember wrapping my arms
around myself to find warmth
and to hold myself together
I remember watching
you walk away out of sight
I remember turning to face
an empty sterile space
with an empty heart
and fallen spirit from the 7th floor
I remember the void and wanting
and running hot water to bathe
and for comfort from your leaving
I remember sinking my body
into the bath and my mind
drowning in memories of you
I used water to hide the tears
on my face and wished
the same water would wash
not only your scent but you
from my memories for all time
I remember that I cried
until I was cried out in cold water
I knew that I had lost again
and I promised myself,
that night in cold water baptism
that I would never feel that pain
again it was a promise i didn't keep

26 Ocotober 2008 (edited Oct 29)
© Cynthia Ryder

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

tonight i wrap myself in silk
that are the lull of your voice
and the caress of your hands
tonight i will dream of you
and knowing with patience
that dreams may come true

21 October 2008
© cynthia ryder

6 syllable message sent

you are not the person
that i want to hear from
you are a rebound man
you have been there for me
i know that i have helped
you helped myself to you
in times of my deep need
and with your needs too now
but you are not my need
you are not an answer
you are no solution
i see you as becoming
a problem one in need
of solving one that needs
salvation from himself

21 October 2008

a note on this: later in the day, i did hear from someone that i did want to hear from. a treat indeed.
© Cynthia Ryder

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Old stuff

i would choose to
consume your pain
though i know it little
i would choose too
love you completely
but in my logical
questionable wisdom
i choose not to tell you

you have defeated me
with passion
laid waste to my body
and my sole
but you will never know
falling weak
i curse myself and deny
you victory
love, rage is all mine

Note: Old material that I recently found, post-Toronto phase for those that know me, which still has some meaning today

©Cynthia Ryder

Saturday, October 11, 2008


you touched and marked me
the scar is hidden in my soul
a deep and precious wound

the scar is about self and power
direction determination
our passion dreams and desire

the legacies of others in your life
the demons in your soul
marked you and formed you

those scars defined your goal
gave focus, sight and clarity
defined self-preservation

you show strength and courage
safe in your remembered shadow
i will use your legacy now

and make my own way
find the edges of my life
and dance with past demons

11 October 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

Monday, October 6, 2008

once upon a time

i would have been happy
making his bed
i would have picked up his socks
and ironed his shirts
and quietly performed
the domestic duties
of removing dirt and smudges
from the surfaces
and corners of his life
softening the sheets
where he laid his head
while softening the lines
of his face and warming
in his embrace and smile
i've been caught again
in a fairy tale
but the questions remain
would i have been happy
making his bed...

6 October 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

Monday, September 29, 2008


i now know my worth to you
that you would not call
even though you were near here

i question my worth to you
taunting me in words
and images of your life

i have no worth to you now
our time of value
to each other is long gone

now i work diligently
to convince myself
that this is the truth this time

29 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

note: originally titled "mad as hell" it has evolved since the first haiku style stanza was written a couple of weeks ago and the feeling has turned to questioning and then to a stance of self-preservation.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

casual casualty

our pasts lie behind us
shattered bloodied ruins of souls
damage measured in quantities
of despair and success

i had never considered that
you were the injured one
never had it been you
that was not worthy of me

my present is quilted tatters
gathered from the wreckage
my hard won contentment
slips as summer to winter

facing an empty open pit future
would you pray that debris
from my busied life fills it
so i don't fall to its bottom

17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

note: this was much longer originally with a lot of sappy bits. tightened it up some for use. more or less ok with the outcome.

Monday, September 22, 2008


preface: at 2:20AM the muse crashed the door. in a stubborn refusal to act, i watched the thoughts drift past, made a to do list for today and finally at 3:23 i gave in to him again.

sharing brings some solace
knowing that sun beams on your face
are from the sun that shines on me
the moon that lights the sky
glows tonight for you and i
the same glittering stars in heaven
are seen from different places
but if we both look north
the guiding star is there
to show us the same path

we didn't look heavenward years ago
missing signs that lit our ways
that could have guided us together

22 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

Thursday, September 18, 2008

official status

do you lie awake at night
seeing the parade square
crisp in your hindsight
visions and memories
marching through your head
relentlessly pounding
in sequence by month and year
glaring their misdeeds at you
with every march past
evaluating reviewing
night after night

muse reporting for duty

17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

this is one that feels like it should read on a single breath with no pauses but staccato in rhythm

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

irony in Toronto

my rebound man wasn't you
it was because of you
accepting the invite
showing up
showed a good time
made your excuses again
to rescue your brother
he is one lucky man

17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder


salt water humid night
moths dance in street light
crossing Spring Garden
walking the Citadel
safe in your shadow
connected by the emotional
physical bond of the reason
for being with you
now in movement
in public untouching
untouchable with every step
growing the distance between us
delivered to my destination
excuses and farewells
i stand at my window
overlooking the city
watch you disappear
into the salt water humid night
striding out of sight

17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

Sunday, September 14, 2008

14 September

your visits are inconvenient
waking me with kisses at 2a.m.
then promptly leaving me again
to wonder if it was
as i remember
that sweetly tender
or if the brain
creates mere scenes
leaving me to wonder
if it was that good at all

© Cynthia Ryder

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


you are not my greatest loss
time with you is
you are not my greatest regret
time without you is

the old photographs in my desk
are no longer about you
beguiling my camera
the old photographs are risks
not taken chances at a life
that is not mine now
you are smiling
in the old photographs

distance in years
miles and experiences
separates and clarifies
time tells on us
time notes our fears
time sees our truths

in one moment with
one turn of the page
I have to face the losses
my own failure to move
time becomes the regret
move on and forget

10 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

the silver-screen kiss

the star removed his nerdy glasses
coolly tossed them to the table
stepped to the leading lady
hand firmly in place
at the back of her neck
he searched for the clues
the message to proceed

swallowed met his gaze
leaned toward him
palm open on his chest

all motion stopped
hitting play
he moved in
slow motion

touched her lips
prying deepening
allowed accessed kissed

flutters in her stomach
as his moustache on her skin

scene ends
never remade
real moment lost
available only in reruns

8 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

Monday, September 8, 2008


i have waited for you return
knowing nothing of your plans
worried i soothed myself
with imaginings and photographs

today the wanted word arrived
you are home, safe and sane
breathlessly i am thankful
that you will never know
my concerns for you
may be what keeps you free
following the beacons and calls

i'll be ready for the word again
of your next inevitable flight

- 5 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

the a-ha moment

repeat the question please

my puzzled look says much

about the question

i do not understand

rifling pages, scanning text

the answers must be here

in panic, furrowed

'absolutely' smuggly said

'but not there, in here'

tapping the temple

but... the book

'but nothing

books are guides

repeat the question please'


3 September 2008

© Cynthia Ryder 2008

Monday, August 25, 2008

under the radar

don't pick me
not now not first
don't notice me please
let me fit in
this time this once
don't pick me last
don't single me out

keep my head down
don't volunteer
don't ask please not me
don't make me different
don't make me wear that
don't make me go there
don't make me change it

don't' single me out
tease me
embarrass me
not here, not now
in front of my friends

they are shamed for me
they leave me here
alone, bullied, teased
singled out and different

let me go unnoticed
let me fly
under the radar

24 August 2008

© Cynthia Ryder

Monday, August 18, 2008


you would read to me
words, lines, paragraphs

i would draw imaginary
lines on your back

you imagined us
in scenes from the pages

i would kiss the lines on your back
then draw lines in imaginary sand

you would read words and lines
and be drawn to imaginary battle

18 August 2008

© Cynthia Ryder

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

13 August 2008

Spider silks glistening
draw us in we touch it
fighting snared regrets

bleed us dry poison us
spinning us round tightly
trapped in our own mind

© Cynthia Ryder 2008

12 August 2008

remembering yesterday

was fifeteen years ago

only one night, one day

of conversation and love

in before dawn quiet

whispering questioning

resistance removed

seeing you again for you

exploring you again

stripped of armor and defenses

laid bare in my arms

you bathed my soul

i knew then my misguides

excuses prevent questions

you knew you needn't ask

my drought ended

yours began again

years pass, questions remain

the game gets played

what if and only

i make excuses still

wonder if only once more

i could see your soul defenseless

laid bare in my arms

© Cynthia Ryder 2008

9 August 2008

let me devour you with my eyes

let me smell you

for the scent that is yours

let me touch you

follow the lines to the valleys

and plains I have visited before

let me have you

for a brief time

if only in my mind

let me feel your breath

that plays to my ear

that touches my lips

let me dip into the pools of blue

look into your depths once more

let me know you

let me, just for a moment, grieve

that i loved and passed

loved and lusted and lost

Salaam alaykum my love

© Cynthia Ryder 2008