that last night together,
in the seat of power over millions,
i swore and then vowed
that this would be the last
time that i would watch
from a window,
watch you leave,
drive away into your world
without me knowing
when or even if.
in that moment at the window
seeing you slowly turning
to the right onto
the late night street
of the capitol,
a spark of an idea,
all that remains is your decision

© 29 December 2008
Cynthia Ryder
--

now

the webs that hold us together
indicative of life's fragility
and before the next storm
where they may be torn
you need to know
my love is unconditional
you who have been in my arms
are held in my heart and mind
the fearful angry untrusting you
does not scare me anymore
i have seen it all in you before
these are your feelings
i accept them as yours
as i accept your choice
to hide all weakness behind
your unflinching exterior
i now reject my own fear
of your rejection so i tell you
you are not a mere curiosity
an object of interest a toy
you have value and because
you need to know now
not in five years from now
and not after that or
after the next but
now...
the storm is coming
threatening the webs
that hold us together

30 October, edited 26 November 2008
Cynthia Ryder

morning headlines of death
rock me 12 time zones away
lines that read easy last month
when i did not place you
amid the violence
in packed markets and offices
within a breath of an armed car
now knowing, now feeling
reawakened and wanting
these headlines haunt
and will quietly rip at my mind
until I know that you are safe

© 12 November 2008
Cynthia Ryder
--

i can hear you breathe
if i close my eye tight
i can hear you call my name
with my eyes closed
against the outside light
i can find you here
i can know you again
with my eyes closed
the monsters under the bed
demons in the closet
ghosts in the night
are gone with the light
to capture the moment
close your eyes tight

©10 November 2008
Cynthia Ryder
--

neither the first nor the last
that I will feel this way
I am heartsick and mourning
loss that never really was
I am mourning words said
and unsaid and yet
another set of regrets
I am keeping this secret
hiding the hurt
craddle it in my heart
and bury it beneath
the detritus of life

edited 5 November 2008

© Cynthia Ryder

--

Wagon & Wild Horse

Tonight I tried to explain what I thought I heard you say last week, without saying love.
You are still the wild horse, driven by the wind and weather. You will always run as the lead and you will always break from the pack.
You still dance on the edge in places I cannot go and do not understand.
I have a wagon of hopes and dreams and memories of us, that you would have me empty. But you have promised me no provisions to refill it except my own resourcefulness and my own sufficiency to pull it.
There are no guarantees, no sure thing. The di have been tossed. Their spin will take good time to stop.
The words you say to others, you won't say to me to give me hope. You turn my words back on me and sharpened with time, they cut deeply.
I do remember, and I will mourn you because you are a beautiful creature that has dressed the landscape in motion and colour.
All things that are released free to the wild may come back to us. You are released and I will return to my work of tilling the soil and planting seed for future use.

29 October 2008

Note: half and half, seems to work here as well as in coffee
© Cynthia Ryder
--

Halifax 2

I remember wrapping my arms
around myself to find warmth
and to hold myself together
I remember watching
you walk away out of sight
I remember turning to face
an empty sterile space
with an empty heart
and fallen spirit from the 7th floor
I remember the void and wanting
and running hot water to bathe
and for comfort from your leaving
I remember sinking my body
into the bath and my mind
drowning in memories of you
I used water to hide the tears
on my face and wished
the same water would wash
not only your scent but you
from my memories for all time
I remember that I cried
until I was cried out in cold water
I knew that I had lost again
and I promised myself,
that night in cold water baptism
that I would never feel that pain
again it was a promise i didn't keep

26 Ocotober 2008 (edited Oct 29)
© Cynthia Ryder
--