that last night together,
in the seat of power over millions,
i swore and then vowed
that this would be the last
time that i would watch
from a window,
watch you leave,
drive away into your world
without me knowing
when or even if.
in that moment at the window
seeing you slowly turning
to the right onto
the late night street
of the capitol,
a spark of an idea,
all that remains is your decision
© 29 December 2008
Cynthia Ryder
--
Monday, December 29, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
now
the webs that hold us together
indicative of life's fragility
and before the next storm
where they may be torn
you need to know
my love is unconditional
you who have been in my arms
are held in my heart and mind
the fearful angry untrusting you
does not scare me anymore
i have seen it all in you before
these are your feelings
i accept them as yours
as i accept your choice
to hide all weakness behind
your unflinching exterior
i now reject my own fear
of your rejection so i tell you
you are not a mere curiosity
an object of interest a toy
you have value and because
you need to know now
not in five years from now
and not after that or
after the next but
now...
the storm is coming
threatening the webs
that hold us together
30 October, edited 26 November 2008
Cynthia Ryder
indicative of life's fragility
and before the next storm
where they may be torn
you need to know
my love is unconditional
you who have been in my arms
are held in my heart and mind
the fearful angry untrusting you
does not scare me anymore
i have seen it all in you before
these are your feelings
i accept them as yours
as i accept your choice
to hide all weakness behind
your unflinching exterior
i now reject my own fear
of your rejection so i tell you
you are not a mere curiosity
an object of interest a toy
you have value and because
you need to know now
not in five years from now
and not after that or
after the next but
now...
the storm is coming
threatening the webs
that hold us together
30 October, edited 26 November 2008
Cynthia Ryder
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
morning headlines of death
rock me 12 time zones away
lines that read easy last month
when i did not place you
amid the violence
in packed markets and offices
within a breath of an armed car
now knowing, now feeling
reawakened and wanting
these headlines haunt
and will quietly rip at my mind
until I know that you are safe
© 12 November 2008
Cynthia Ryder
--
rock me 12 time zones away
lines that read easy last month
when i did not place you
amid the violence
in packed markets and offices
within a breath of an armed car
now knowing, now feeling
reawakened and wanting
these headlines haunt
and will quietly rip at my mind
until I know that you are safe
© 12 November 2008
Cynthia Ryder
--
Monday, November 10, 2008
i can hear you breathe
if i close my eye tight
i can hear you call my name
with my eyes closed
against the outside light
i can find you here
i can know you again
with my eyes closed
the monsters under the bed
demons in the closet
ghosts in the night
are gone with the light
to capture the moment
close your eyes tight
©10 November 2008
Cynthia Ryder
--
if i close my eye tight
i can hear you call my name
with my eyes closed
against the outside light
i can find you here
i can know you again
with my eyes closed
the monsters under the bed
demons in the closet
ghosts in the night
are gone with the light
to capture the moment
close your eyes tight
©10 November 2008
Cynthia Ryder
--
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
neither the first nor the last
that I will feel this way
I am heartsick and mourning
loss that never really was
I am mourning words said
and unsaid and yet
another set of regrets
I am keeping this secret
hiding the hurt
craddle it in my heart
and bury it beneath
the detritus of life
that I will feel this way
I am heartsick and mourning
loss that never really was
I am mourning words said
and unsaid and yet
another set of regrets
I am keeping this secret
hiding the hurt
craddle it in my heart
and bury it beneath
the detritus of life
edited 5 November 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
--
Wagon & Wild Horse
Tonight I tried to explain what I thought I heard you say last week, without saying love.
You are still the wild horse, driven by the wind and weather. You will always run as the lead and you will always break from the pack.
You still dance on the edge in places I cannot go and do not understand.
I have a wagon of hopes and dreams and memories of us, that you would have me empty. But you have promised me no provisions to refill it except my own resourcefulness and my own sufficiency to pull it.
There are no guarantees, no sure thing. The di have been tossed. Their spin will take good time to stop.
The words you say to others, you won't say to me to give me hope. You turn my words back on me and sharpened with time, they cut deeply.
I do remember, and I will mourn you because you are a beautiful creature that has dressed the landscape in motion and colour.
All things that are released free to the wild may come back to us. You are released and I will return to my work of tilling the soil and planting seed for future use.
29 October 2008
Note: half and half, seems to work here as well as in coffee
© Cynthia Ryder
--
You are still the wild horse, driven by the wind and weather. You will always run as the lead and you will always break from the pack.
You still dance on the edge in places I cannot go and do not understand.
I have a wagon of hopes and dreams and memories of us, that you would have me empty. But you have promised me no provisions to refill it except my own resourcefulness and my own sufficiency to pull it.
There are no guarantees, no sure thing. The di have been tossed. Their spin will take good time to stop.
The words you say to others, you won't say to me to give me hope. You turn my words back on me and sharpened with time, they cut deeply.
I do remember, and I will mourn you because you are a beautiful creature that has dressed the landscape in motion and colour.
All things that are released free to the wild may come back to us. You are released and I will return to my work of tilling the soil and planting seed for future use.
29 October 2008
Note: half and half, seems to work here as well as in coffee
© Cynthia Ryder
--
Monday, October 27, 2008
Halifax 2
I remember wrapping my arms
around myself to find warmth
and to hold myself together
I remember watching
you walk away out of sight
I remember turning to face
an empty sterile space
with an empty heart
and fallen spirit from the 7th floor
I remember the void and wanting
and running hot water to bathe
and for comfort from your leaving
I remember sinking my body
into the bath and my mind
drowning in memories of you
I used water to hide the tears
on my face and wished
the same water would wash
not only your scent but you
from my memories for all time
I remember that I cried
until I was cried out in cold water
I knew that I had lost again
and I promised myself,
that night in cold water baptism
that I would never feel that pain
again it was a promise i didn't keep
26 Ocotober 2008 (edited Oct 29)
© Cynthia Ryder
--
around myself to find warmth
and to hold myself together
I remember watching
you walk away out of sight
I remember turning to face
an empty sterile space
with an empty heart
and fallen spirit from the 7th floor
I remember the void and wanting
and running hot water to bathe
and for comfort from your leaving
I remember sinking my body
into the bath and my mind
drowning in memories of you
I used water to hide the tears
on my face and wished
the same water would wash
not only your scent but you
from my memories for all time
I remember that I cried
until I was cried out in cold water
I knew that I had lost again
and I promised myself,
that night in cold water baptism
that I would never feel that pain
again it was a promise i didn't keep
26 Ocotober 2008 (edited Oct 29)
© Cynthia Ryder
--
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
6 syllable message sent
you are not the person
that i want to hear from
you are a rebound man
you have been there for me
i know that i have helped
you helped myself to you
in times of my deep need
and with your needs too now
but you are not my need
you are not an answer
you are no solution
i see you as becoming
a problem one in need
of solving one that needs
salvation from himself
21 October 2008
a note on this: later in the day, i did hear from someone that i did want to hear from. a treat indeed.
© Cynthia Ryder
--
that i want to hear from
you are a rebound man
you have been there for me
i know that i have helped
you helped myself to you
in times of my deep need
and with your needs too now
but you are not my need
you are not an answer
you are no solution
i see you as becoming
a problem one in need
of solving one that needs
salvation from himself
21 October 2008
a note on this: later in the day, i did hear from someone that i did want to hear from. a treat indeed.
© Cynthia Ryder
--
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Old stuff
i would choose to
consume your pain
though i know it little
i would choose too
love you completely
but in my logical
questionable wisdom
i choose not to tell you
21-9-98
you have defeated me
with passion
laid waste to my body
and my sole
but you will never know
falling weak
i curse myself and deny
you victory
love, rage is all mine
19-9-98
Note: Old material that I recently found, post-Toronto phase for those that know me, which still has some meaning today
©Cynthia Ryder
consume your pain
though i know it little
i would choose too
love you completely
but in my logical
questionable wisdom
i choose not to tell you
21-9-98
you have defeated me
with passion
laid waste to my body
and my sole
but you will never know
falling weak
i curse myself and deny
you victory
love, rage is all mine
19-9-98
Note: Old material that I recently found, post-Toronto phase for those that know me, which still has some meaning today
©Cynthia Ryder
Saturday, October 11, 2008
legacy
you touched and marked me
the scar is hidden in my soul
a deep and precious wound
the scar is about self and power
direction determination
our passion dreams and desire
the legacies of others in your life
the demons in your soul
marked you and formed you
those scars defined your goal
gave focus, sight and clarity
defined self-preservation
you show strength and courage
safe in your remembered shadow
i will use your legacy now
and make my own way
find the edges of my life
and dance with past demons
11 October 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
--
the scar is hidden in my soul
a deep and precious wound
the scar is about self and power
direction determination
our passion dreams and desire
the legacies of others in your life
the demons in your soul
marked you and formed you
those scars defined your goal
gave focus, sight and clarity
defined self-preservation
you show strength and courage
safe in your remembered shadow
i will use your legacy now
and make my own way
find the edges of my life
and dance with past demons
11 October 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
--
Monday, October 6, 2008
once upon a time
i would have been happy
making his bed
i would have picked up his socks
and ironed his shirts
and quietly performed
the domestic duties
of removing dirt and smudges
from the surfaces
and corners of his life
softening the sheets
where he laid his head
while softening the lines
of his face and warming
in his embrace and smile
i've been caught again
in a fairy tale
but the questions remain
would i have been happy
making his bed...
6 October 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
--
making his bed
i would have picked up his socks
and ironed his shirts
and quietly performed
the domestic duties
of removing dirt and smudges
from the surfaces
and corners of his life
softening the sheets
where he laid his head
while softening the lines
of his face and warming
in his embrace and smile
i've been caught again
in a fairy tale
but the questions remain
would i have been happy
making his bed...
6 October 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
--
Monday, September 29, 2008
worth
i now know my worth to you
that you would not call
even though you were near here
i question my worth to you
taunting me in words
and images of your life
i have no worth to you now
our time of value
to each other is long gone
now i work diligently
to convince myself
that this is the truth this time
29 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
note: originally titled "mad as hell" it has evolved since the first haiku style stanza was written a couple of weeks ago and the feeling has turned to questioning and then to a stance of self-preservation.
that you would not call
even though you were near here
i question my worth to you
taunting me in words
and images of your life
i have no worth to you now
our time of value
to each other is long gone
now i work diligently
to convince myself
that this is the truth this time
29 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
note: originally titled "mad as hell" it has evolved since the first haiku style stanza was written a couple of weeks ago and the feeling has turned to questioning and then to a stance of self-preservation.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
casual casualty
our pasts lie behind us
shattered bloodied ruins of souls
damage measured in quantities
of despair and success
i had never considered that
you were the injured one
never had it been you
that was not worthy of me
my present is quilted tatters
gathered from the wreckage
my hard won contentment
slips as summer to winter
facing an empty open pit future
would you pray that debris
from my busied life fills it
so i don't fall to its bottom
17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
note: this was much longer originally with a lot of sappy bits. tightened it up some for use. more or less ok with the outcome.
shattered bloodied ruins of souls
damage measured in quantities
of despair and success
i had never considered that
you were the injured one
never had it been you
that was not worthy of me
my present is quilted tatters
gathered from the wreckage
my hard won contentment
slips as summer to winter
facing an empty open pit future
would you pray that debris
from my busied life fills it
so i don't fall to its bottom
17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
note: this was much longer originally with a lot of sappy bits. tightened it up some for use. more or less ok with the outcome.
Monday, September 22, 2008
solace
preface: at 2:20AM the muse crashed the door. in a stubborn refusal to act, i watched the thoughts drift past, made a to do list for today and finally at 3:23 i gave in to him again.
sharing brings some solace
knowing that sun beams on your face
are from the sun that shines on me
the moon that lights the sky
glows tonight for you and i
the same glittering stars in heaven
are seen from different places
but if we both look north
the guiding star is there
to show us the same path
we didn't look heavenward years ago
missing signs that lit our ways
that could have guided us together
22 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
--
sharing brings some solace
knowing that sun beams on your face
are from the sun that shines on me
the moon that lights the sky
glows tonight for you and i
the same glittering stars in heaven
are seen from different places
but if we both look north
the guiding star is there
to show us the same path
we didn't look heavenward years ago
missing signs that lit our ways
that could have guided us together
22 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
--
Thursday, September 18, 2008
official status
do you lie awake at night
seeing the parade square
crisp in your hindsight
visions and memories
marching through your head
relentlessly pounding
in sequence by month and year
glaring their misdeeds at you
with every march past
evaluating reviewing
night after night
muse reporting for duty
17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
this is one that feels like it should read on a single breath with no pauses but staccato in rhythm
seeing the parade square
crisp in your hindsight
visions and memories
marching through your head
relentlessly pounding
in sequence by month and year
glaring their misdeeds at you
with every march past
evaluating reviewing
night after night
muse reporting for duty
17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
this is one that feels like it should read on a single breath with no pauses but staccato in rhythm
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
irony in Toronto
my rebound man wasn't you
it was because of you
accepting the invite
showing up
showed a good time
made your excuses again
ran
to rescue your brother
damn
he is one lucky man
17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
it was because of you
accepting the invite
showing up
showed a good time
made your excuses again
ran
to rescue your brother
damn
he is one lucky man
17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
Halifax
salt water humid night
moths dance in street light
crossing Spring Garden
walking the Citadel
safe in your shadow
connected by the emotional
physical bond of the reason
for being with you
now in movement
in public untouching
untouchable with every step
growing the distance between us
delivered to my destination
excuses and farewells
i stand at my window
overlooking the city
watch you disappear
into the salt water humid night
striding out of sight
17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
moths dance in street light
crossing Spring Garden
walking the Citadel
safe in your shadow
connected by the emotional
physical bond of the reason
for being with you
now in movement
in public untouching
untouchable with every step
growing the distance between us
delivered to my destination
excuses and farewells
i stand at my window
overlooking the city
watch you disappear
into the salt water humid night
striding out of sight
17 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
Sunday, September 14, 2008
14 September
your visits are inconvenient
waking me with kisses at 2a.m.
then promptly leaving me again
to wonder if it was
as i remember
that sweetly tender
or if the brain
creates mere scenes
leaving me to wonder
if it was that good at all
© Cynthia Ryder
waking me with kisses at 2a.m.
then promptly leaving me again
to wonder if it was
as i remember
that sweetly tender
or if the brain
creates mere scenes
leaving me to wonder
if it was that good at all
© Cynthia Ryder
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Time
you are not my greatest loss
time with you is
you are not my greatest regret
time without you is
the old photographs in my desk
are no longer about you
beguiling my camera
the old photographs are risks
not taken chances at a life
that is not mine now
you are smiling
in the old photographs
distance in years
miles and experiences
separates and clarifies
time tells on us
time notes our fears
time sees our truths
in one moment with
one turn of the page
I have to face the losses
my own failure to move
time becomes the regret
move on and forget
10 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
time with you is
you are not my greatest regret
time without you is
the old photographs in my desk
are no longer about you
beguiling my camera
the old photographs are risks
not taken chances at a life
that is not mine now
you are smiling
in the old photographs
distance in years
miles and experiences
separates and clarifies
time tells on us
time notes our fears
time sees our truths
in one moment with
one turn of the page
I have to face the losses
my own failure to move
time becomes the regret
move on and forget
10 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
the silver-screen kiss
the star removed his nerdy glasses
coolly tossed them to the table
stepped to the leading lady
hand firmly in place
at the back of her neck
he searched for the clues
the message to proceed
swallowed met his gaze
leaned toward him
palm open on his chest
paused
all motion stopped
then
hitting play
he moved in
slow motion
touched her lips
prying deepening
allowed accessed kissed
flutters in her stomach
tickled
as his moustache on her skin
scene ends
never remade
real moment lost
available only in reruns
8 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
coolly tossed them to the table
stepped to the leading lady
hand firmly in place
at the back of her neck
he searched for the clues
the message to proceed
swallowed met his gaze
leaned toward him
palm open on his chest
paused
all motion stopped
then
hitting play
he moved in
slow motion
touched her lips
prying deepening
allowed accessed kissed
flutters in her stomach
tickled
as his moustache on her skin
scene ends
never remade
real moment lost
available only in reruns
8 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
Monday, September 8, 2008
Homecoming
i have waited for you return
knowing nothing of your plans
worried i soothed myself
with imaginings and photographs
today the wanted word arrived
you are home, safe and sane
breathlessly i am thankful
that you will never know
my concerns for you
may be what keeps you free
following the beacons and calls
i'll be ready for the word again
of your next inevitable flight
- 5 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
knowing nothing of your plans
worried i soothed myself
with imaginings and photographs
today the wanted word arrived
you are home, safe and sane
breathlessly i am thankful
that you will never know
my concerns for you
may be what keeps you free
following the beacons and calls
i'll be ready for the word again
of your next inevitable flight
- 5 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
the a-ha moment
repeat the question please
my puzzled look says much
about the question
i do not understand
rifling pages, scanning text
the answers must be here
in panic, furrowed
'absolutely' smuggly said
'but not there, in here'
tapping the temple
but... the book
'but nothing
books are guides
repeat the question please'
--
3 September 2008
© Cynthia Ryder 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
under the radar
don't pick me
not now not first
don't notice me please
let me fit in
this time this once
don't pick me last
don't single me out
keep my head down
don't volunteer
don't ask please not me
don't make me different
don't make me wear that
don't make me go there
don't make me change it
don't' single me out
tease me
embarrass me
not here, not now
in front of my friends
they are shamed for me
they leave me here
alone, bullied, teased
singled out and different
let me go unnoticed
let me fly
under the radar
24 August 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
not now not first
don't notice me please
let me fit in
this time this once
don't pick me last
don't single me out
keep my head down
don't volunteer
don't ask please not me
don't make me different
don't make me wear that
don't make me go there
don't make me change it
don't' single me out
tease me
embarrass me
not here, not now
in front of my friends
they are shamed for me
they leave me here
alone, bullied, teased
singled out and different
let me go unnoticed
let me fly
under the radar
24 August 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
Monday, August 18, 2008
"O"
you would read to me
words, lines, paragraphs
i would draw imaginary
lines on your back
you imagined us
in scenes from the pages
i would kiss the lines on your back
then draw lines in imaginary sand
you would read words and lines
and be drawn to imaginary battle
18 August 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
words, lines, paragraphs
i would draw imaginary
lines on your back
you imagined us
in scenes from the pages
i would kiss the lines on your back
then draw lines in imaginary sand
you would read words and lines
and be drawn to imaginary battle
18 August 2008
© Cynthia Ryder
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
13 August 2008
Spider silks glistening
draw us in we touch it
fighting snared regrets
bleed us dry poison us
spinning us round tightly
trapped in our own mind
© Cynthia Ryder 2008
draw us in we touch it
fighting snared regrets
bleed us dry poison us
spinning us round tightly
trapped in our own mind
© Cynthia Ryder 2008
12 August 2008
remembering yesterday
was fifeteen years ago
only one night, one day
of conversation and love
in before dawn quiet
whispering questioning
resistance removed
seeing you again for you
exploring you again
stripped of armor and defenses
laid bare in my arms
you bathed my soul
i knew then my misguides
excuses prevent questions
you knew you needn't ask
my drought ended
yours began again
years pass, questions remain
the game gets played
what if and only
i make excuses still
wonder if only once more
i could see your soul defenseless
laid bare in my arms
was fifeteen years ago
only one night, one day
of conversation and love
in before dawn quiet
whispering questioning
resistance removed
seeing you again for you
exploring you again
stripped of armor and defenses
laid bare in my arms
you bathed my soul
i knew then my misguides
excuses prevent questions
you knew you needn't ask
my drought ended
yours began again
years pass, questions remain
the game gets played
what if and only
i make excuses still
wonder if only once more
i could see your soul defenseless
laid bare in my arms
© Cynthia Ryder 2008
9 August 2008
let me devour you with my eyes
let me smell you
for the scent that is yours
let me touch you
follow the lines to the valleys
and plains I have visited before
let me have you
for a brief time
if only in my mind
let me feel your breath
that plays to my ear
that touches my lips
let me dip into the pools of blue
look into your depths once more
let me know you
let me, just for a moment, grieve
that i loved and passed
loved and lusted and lost
Salaam alaykum my love
--
--
© Cynthia Ryder 2008
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